- Fathers Caring for Children
Despite all the things we hear about a new equality between men and women, when it comes to giving care to children, most of the work still gets done by women. Even men who want to be “participating fathers” often seem to think that fathers really only get involved when their kids get older.
One man who changed his ideas about that, and changed the thinking of other men, is Dr. Bill Sears, an American paediatrician. Bill Sears, who lived in San Clemente, a very pretty little town in Southern California, became one of the leading advice-givers for fathers and mothers in America. Like other famous child-care experts such as Dr. Benjamin Spock and Dr. Terry Brazelton, he wrote several books on child raising (with his wife Martha). But Sears gained a special credibility because he took a much greater part in the raising of his own children than most professional men. He is often pictured with one of his babies held in a carrying harness, close to his face, or perched on his back. This is the way all men should do their parenting, he said, sharing every aspect of the task with their wives.
Sears changed his own life so that he could be closer to his eight children. He moved his medical practice from the centre of town to his garage, so that he could always be around. Sometimes he cancelled lectures, and even his radio program, when he needed to spend time with his children. Often he was the one who woke up in the middle of the night to attend to the youngest child Lauren. But all this involvement did not come straight off. Sears said he had to learn how to be a competent parent. After he finished medical school he was a certified child doctor, but he says he knew a lot about children’s sicknesses and very little about normal children.
Part of Sears' learning came from studying parents with their children. When he found parents who seemed comfortable with their children and whose children seemed well behaved he would note down what the parents did. In his own family he and his wife shared the task of child-care, though he admits that at first he didn't get as involved as he should have. Like many other men, he said, he didn't know any better.
A critical experience for the Sears was the birth of their fourth child. She was a “high needs baby” who wore them out, but who taught them that they were getting it right. She was difficult, fussy, colicky and noisy, always demanding attention. Other parents advised the Sears “not to let her get away with it”, but the Sears rejected this advice and tried to respond to her needs sensitively and consistently. This style of attachment parenting seems to have worked. As this child grew into her teens they described her as “a wonderfully creative, deeply sensitive and delightfully exuberant person who is caring and giving to others and to us.”
Bill Sears argued that “attachment parenting” is the key to saving the institution of the family, and the way to prepare children to be the movers and shakers of the next generation. He says, the involvement of mothers and fathers in this style of child-care in the first two years gives children benefits that will stay with them throughout their lives. In their book “The Baby Book, Everything You Need To Know From Birth to Age Two” (published in the U.S.A. by Little, Brown) the Sears described “attachment parenting” as a style of child rearing that involves great emotional and physical closeness, and participation in every aspect of the child’s experience.
Attached parents breast feed their babies, respond promptly to all crying, sleep close to their babies, are not afraid of spoiling, do not spank, carry or “wear” their babies in slings almost all the time, do not follow rigid schedules for their babies, and generally make themselves available to meet all their young children’s needs. Ideally the father is just as involved as the mother, though perhaps taking on different kinds of tasks. The Sears argue that although this kind of parenting looks like very hard work, and indeed is very time consuming when the child is an infant, soon leads to an easier life for the “attachment parent.” The attached baby becomes independent at an earlier age, and shows none of the clingy whiny dependence of other children. They have such a strong sense of security that they feel comfortable being alone later on. Furthermore, even from about the age of three, attachment children will offer support to other children who seem distressed. By the age of eight or nine they have a great sense of themselves as individuals. They are easier to discipline, largely because they are closer to, and sympathetic with their parents.
The Sears wrote other books including “300 Questions New Parents Ask,” “Creative Parenting,” and “Night-time Parenting.” They noted that when you are as closely attached to your children as they were, it is not just the children who benefit. The child develops you as much as you develop the child. The Sears said that they were less selfish and more creative, and had a whole bunch of wonderful children, just because they put in a little more effort at the start.
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